My ego enjoys a compliment as much as anyone else's, and I'm not trying to critize the people who offered them. But ... I didn't actually do anything. I posted a phone number and mentioned I'd be writing something. Eventually.
The more I think about it, the more it pisses me off. How pathetic is it that, in our culture, the only thing you have to do to be a good guy is say, "Hey, one of these days I'll write something about rape." Even that sort of vague, empty comment about rape is enough to make you stand out. Because that's already more than most guys seem willing to say or do.
I noticed the same thing when I worked with Take Back the Night years ago. Practically all I had to do was show up, and I was some sort of freaking hero.
Because rape is a women's issue. A woman's odds of being raped are around 1 in 3 or 1 in 4, if you compile the various studies and statistics. A man's odds are significantly less. Maybe 1 in 7? 1 in 10? Even so, we don't talk about that (except to joke about dropping the soap in prison). So let the women worry about it. Not our problem.
No, wait. That's not entirely accurate. Now that I think about it, nearly every time I went to talk to a group of men about rape issues, whether it was a fraternity or a dormatory gathering, the men were worried about rape. Not about their girlfriends or sisters or mothers or friends being raped, of course. No, they wanted to know what they should do if a girl lied about a rape in order to punish them. Because every one of them knew a friend of a friend whose cousin's buddy had been falsely accused of rape, so that's what we really needed to worry about.
In my role as an advocate and educator, I had to behave professionally and deal with those questions. Here on my blog? I'm just going to come out and offer those folks a big ol' cup of STFU.
Don't misunderstand me. False accusations of rape do happen. I watched one play out in the local paper here years ago. And believe me, the justice system went after that accuser for daring to commit such a heinous crime against a man.
I don't personally know anyone who's been falsely accused of rape. The people I know personally who've been raped? I've lost count. Mostly women, but I'm friends with some male survivors as well. People I care about. People I love.
And you know what the funny thing is? In almost every single case, the one who raped them was a guy. Not 100%, but up there in the ninety-plus percent.
But of course, that's not our problem. So long as none of those girls try to punish us by playing the rape card, we've got nothing to worry about. Besides, I'm no rapist, so what more do you want? Teach the girls not to get drunk or walk alone or lead guys on, and they'll be fine.
I love that logic. I never raped anyone, so it's not my problem, and I don't have to worry about it. But have you ever wondered why such an overwhelming majority of rapists are men? Ever wonder where guys get the idea they're allowed to do that to another human being? I'll give you a hint. Step one in learning to rape? Learn to see your victim as a thing, rather than a person.
But like I said, none of this is our problem as guys. None of us have ever contributed to the idea that women are objects, things to be ogled and grabbed and used. None of us have ever laughed along with the demeaning jokes, or watched one of our buddies work to get a girl drunk in order to get her into bed. None of us have made excuses for a man who grabs a woman's breast without permission. Oh, no. None of us have done a damn thing.
Forgive me if I sound a little bitter. Let's just say that after you sit there in a closed room with one of your best friends who's screaming because she just bumped into her rapist a few minutes ago, it becomes harder to worry about the guys feeling picked on because I was so rude as to suggest maybe this is our problem too.
---
Two closing thoughts that didn't really fit into my post, but are important to mention anyway.
1. Ever notice how often we talk about how someone was raped? When was the last time you heard it phrased, "Someone raped her." Because of course, the latter construction puts the responsibility on the rapist. It isn't something that just happens. It's something a person chose to do.
2. Rapists choose to rape. Nothing you do -- nothing you wear, nothing you drink, nothing you say -- nothing makes that choice for them. If someone raped you, it wasn't your fault. End of story.
- Mood:angry
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Comments
Also, those final two points? Absolutely. Especially no.2 - that should be engraved on the hearts of anyone who believes otherwise.
Why do I say that?
Because I've been a victim, and I still have what would be classified as rape fic.
I think that particular type of story feeds into the desire of some women for aggressiveness and submissiveness. In other words (and this is NOT a good thing by any means), No doesn't really mean No in these stories.
Again, not a good thing because then you send mixed messages to men. The BDSM community handles it better in that it's consensual and there's always a safeword.
I think that people would have called anybody who put this out there on their blog a good person, male or female. Yes, you’re no more a hero than I am for my work with my daughter and other children with disabilities. Still, I’m glad that you’re doing this because it’s very important for this information to get out there. I’ve known many survivors and my daughter belongs to one of the biggest at risk groups for sexual assault. I agree, though, that it’s disheartening when people slap you on the back as a man for just doing the things that you’re supposed to do. Maybe in the future it will seem like less of an oddity. I hope so.
By the way, the number for men that I heard this morning is 1 in 6.
Take care,
Michael
Exactly. Meeting some minimal baseline for civilized behavior isn't really grounds for congratulations and celebration, ya know?
Which drives me nuts. Because I know too many decent guys to believe this isn't the way the world ought to just work, and every time someone assumes a decent guy is unusual, the give all the guys who aren't so decent a "this is how guys are" excuse for it.
Edited at 2008-04-21 04:05 pm (UTC)
YES!
*This meaning you, your work, your willingness to speak out.
Sometimes, it's not the guy who got the girl drunk in a bar, or the overly aggressive flirter, or the jerkwad on the corner. It's not always the boyfriend/girlfriend/friend with benefits.
Sometimes... it's the person in whom you've put the absolute most trust. Sometimes, it's the person to whom you have committed your life to.
"She agreed by marrying me." Probably one of the stupidest reasons I've ever heard for rape, and unfortunately, sometimes, the law buys it.
But if she says no, if she (or he, to be fair) cries and pleads and screams at you no and begs you to not do this to her, even if she shares your last name, it is still rape.
That marriage license is not a simple contract for a steady diet of sex. She said 'no', it is still rape. That ring on her finger is not a collar.
My husband raped me. And the law did nothing. Because he was my husband.
Rape is a human issue, not a man or woman one.
Very good article.
However, smart people don't say that about crimes against persons, only crimes against property.
I myself am not a rape survivor, but on behalf of my numerous friends, both male and female, who were raped by men (all of the ones I know), thank you. Thank you for addressing the fears-- the real ones and the imagined ones. And thank you for making sure to state point 2. As a mom of a girl, I especially appreciate that one.
One point that I think bears mentioning along those lines is that the choice for the survivor to press charges is often a horrifying one, because there often are so many inferences that (s)he did something to invite sexual contact and because the process of collecting evidence is so traumatizing. I hope we can find better ways to support survivors as they come forward or even if they choose not to do so. Rape counselors and crisis hotline volunteers are profoundly wonderful people, and we need more individuals to help in that area.
Have you seen The Rape of Mr. Smith? It does a pretty good job of showing what rape survivors go through in court.
I know many guys who refused to watch Teeth because they don't rape, so why do they need to see that?
Also, not exactly on topic but still relevant, it makes me sad that this perception of women is so ingrained in our society that other women have it, too. I wince every time I hear a woman call another woman "slut," "whore," the "c" word, etc. Even better was when a woman friend was disappointed that her guy friend didn't get laid when he returned a stranger's (woman's) wallet. Um, what? Why did she owe him sex?!
Why is it okay for men to be sexy and enjoy sex but not for women?
/rant
There were a number of us in that room at any given time. Pert and pretty ones, heavier ones, girls who dressed dowdy and girls who played up their charms - and it *didn't matter*. We all stood there like rabbits under a cobra's gaze - we were trapped in that room, there was a very large man with nothing nice on his mind between us and freedom, and he was quite capable enough of enforcing his wishes if he so chose because none of us were capable of wrestling him away. Yes, there was usually safety in numbers - three or four of us to one of him - but you know what? This was visceral. Nobody thought about the others. He might have been indiscriminate about watching all of us but every one of us felt as though she was alone and utterly helpless.
No, he never followed through. He would stand there and watch and then he would pad away into whatever den he worked in and you wouldn't see him again for days. But he was there and he was a menace and he radiated something the instant response to which was mindless fear. And you know - there was no complaint that could be laid. He never DID anything. He worked there, he was permitted to be there, and so long as he DID do nothing he could have his little reign of terror unimpeded.
I guess we were lucky because all we had to deal with was a perv who got off on the look of fear in young women's eyes when they looked on him. But the real terror behind this was that it wouldn't have taken much for it to escalate. Perhaps as little as him finding ONE girl in the weighing room instead of three.
This is a long and rambling and roundabout way of saying thank you for that post. It needed to be said.
Especially those last two points.
I would think that if they're worried that they might later be accused, then:
1) They probably don't know the other person well enough for the sex to be safe sex anyway,
2) There's a trust issue there that should clearly preclude something as intimate as sex.
The first boy I ever dated ended up having me kick him in the face to get him off of me. No, I didn't tell my parents (who knew him) because I felt stupid for putting myself in that position. I should have told, but I just wanted it over. I now realize I didn't do my part by making it public and having him account for his actions (stopped short as they were), but I try to cut myself a break for being 16.
My daughter is now almost 16, and I hope that I've counseled her on how to deal with these things more effectively. And if I had a son, he would also be counseled on such. Most people now are taught what to do in a random and violent attack but it's a harder thing to tell about when your attacker is part of your normal life. The attackers count on that, on your fear of being discounted or even you being put to blame for allowing him the opportunity. They know you just want it to be over.
And I believe the victim's attitudes are a reflection of society's attitudes, so we as a nation need to let the victims know that we are behind them, not the rapist. There is no excuse for rape. You are entirely correct, Jim. It is a choice. Thanks for the opporunity to comment.
As for not wanting the false accusations? Well, yes. I don't want false accusations of murder, speeding, or jaywalking, either. But the false accusations of rape seem to be a whole other category of fear for guys, and it frustrates the hell out of me.
And thank *you* for commenting.
How is the writing project going?
I'd like to share a story from my own life which dovetails with your experience -- that is to say, the college kids unconcerned at the idea of someone they know and love being raped.
The third time I was raped, I was thirteen years old. I had a boyfriend at the time, who was no more sexually or intellectually savvy than any high school sophomore should be, but who had just as many hormones in play as any of his peers. With him, there had been a bit of making out, a bit of cuddling, and a lot of neurosis on my part, in response to my earlier (and very secret) abuses.
When the attack happened, a stranger broke into my house, and finding me alone, beat me until I stopped trying to fight him off, then he took what he wanted.
When I told my boyfriend about it, it was the end. He didn't know how to handle it. Didn't know what to say, what to think, how to look at my bruised and blackened face without wanting to punch something himself. We met once more, the summer it happened, and then he stopped calling me, stopped returning my calls, and began treating me like a stranger.
I'm old enough now, to understand that he was afraid and confused, but at the time, that abandonment completely underscored my feeling of having somehow been to blame for what had been done to me. That somehow I had been ruined by that man who broke into my house.
The facts are plainly put for those blissfully ignorant men; at least one out of every four women they personally know, has probably been assaulted sexually. If they knew the right way to ask, they would be appalled at how many survivors they know. You know this already, of course, being experienced with counseling, but I hope you'll indulge me a moment of preachy shouting "WORD!" from atop my distant soapbox.
I hope, as we humans continue to evolve, that fewer women have to learn to live their lives guarded against those who would turn them into objects of gratification. And yes, the first step is for everyone, male, female, survivor, and unknown, to become aware that rape is not just something that happens to other people they don't know.
I saw a lot of relationships fall apart after a rape. It's exactly as you say: when a guy's girlfriend is raped, they don't know how to handle it. We're taught to be protective and to fix things, and now we've failed to protect someone we love and we're faced with something we can't fix. None of which excuses turning his back on you, or justifies walking away.
It really sucks how often the rapist walks away, while the victim/survivor continues to be punished.
About once a month,I stand up in front of a crowd in a college classroom or high school auditorium or quad and say, as a representative of my local rape crisis center, "Hi. My name is Shira, and I'm a rape survivor. This is what happened to me."
And I do it for many reasons. I do it because survivors need to know that it's okay to talk about it- every single time, people disclose tome afterwards. (Yes, including men.) I do it to remind people that rape exists.
But the single most important reason:
I put a face on it.
After listening to me talk, rape is no longer abstract. The girl is not a thing, a hole. The girl is a real live person who fidgets with her hands, who wears geeky t-shirts, whose voice still sometimes shakes, years later, when she confesses how terrified she was that her father might never find her body.
I write more about my reasons here.
But yeah. Rape is not a women's issue, it is a human issue. It's not about teaching women to fear, it's about teaching people about consent and violation. It's about teaching people - yes, mostly men,not always - not to rape.
I need to write a post for this month. I don't yet know what I'll say.