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Thoughts on Men and Rape

A week or two back, I mentioned wanting to write about sexual assault awareness month. Something strange happened with that post. Almost immediately, a handful of comments trickled in saying, in essence, "You're a good man for doing this, Jim."

My ego enjoys a compliment as much as anyone else's, and I'm not trying to critize the people who offered them. But ... I didn't actually do anything. I posted a phone number and mentioned I'd be writing something. Eventually.

The more I think about it, the more it pisses me off. How pathetic is it that, in our culture, the only thing you have to do to be a good guy is say, "Hey, one of these days I'll write something about rape." Even that sort of vague, empty comment about rape is enough to make you stand out. Because that's already more than most guys seem willing to say or do.

I noticed the same thing when I worked with Take Back the Night years ago. Practically all I had to do was show up, and I was some sort of freaking hero.

Because rape is a women's issue. A woman's odds of being raped are around 1 in 3 or 1 in 4, if you compile the various studies and statistics. A man's odds are significantly less. Maybe 1 in 7? 1 in 10? Even so, we don't talk about that (except to joke about dropping the soap in prison). So let the women worry about it. Not our problem.

No, wait. That's not entirely accurate. Now that I think about it, nearly every time I went to talk to a group of men about rape issues, whether it was a fraternity or a dormatory gathering, the men were worried about rape. Not about their girlfriends or sisters or mothers or friends being raped, of course. No, they wanted to know what they should do if a girl lied about a rape in order to punish them. Because every one of them knew a friend of a friend whose cousin's buddy had been falsely accused of rape, so that's what we really needed to worry about.

In my role as an advocate and educator, I had to behave professionally and deal with those questions. Here on my blog? I'm just going to come out and offer those folks a big ol' cup of STFU.

Don't misunderstand me. False accusations of rape do happen. I watched one play out in the local paper here years ago. And believe me, the justice system went after that accuser for daring to commit such a heinous crime against a man.

I don't personally know anyone who's been falsely accused of rape. The people I know personally who've been raped? I've lost count. Mostly women, but I'm friends with some male survivors as well. People I care about. People I love.

And you know what the funny thing is? In almost every single case, the one who raped them was a guy. Not 100%, but up there in the ninety-plus percent.

But of course, that's not our problem. So long as none of those girls try to punish us by playing the rape card, we've got nothing to worry about. Besides, I'm no rapist, so what more do you want? Teach the girls not to get drunk or walk alone or lead guys on, and they'll be fine.

I love that logic. I never raped anyone, so it's not my problem, and I don't have to worry about it. But have you ever wondered why such an overwhelming majority of rapists are men? Ever wonder where guys get the idea they're allowed to do that to another human being? I'll give you a hint. Step one in learning to rape? Learn to see your victim as a thing, rather than a person.

But like I said, none of this is our problem as guys. None of us have ever contributed to the idea that women are objects, things to be ogled and grabbed and used. None of us have ever laughed along with the demeaning jokes, or watched one of our buddies work to get a girl drunk in order to get her into bed. None of us have made excuses for a man who grabs a woman's breast without permission. Oh, no. None of us have done a damn thing.

Forgive me if I sound a little bitter. Let's just say that after you sit there in a closed room with one of your best friends who's screaming because she just bumped into her rapist a few minutes ago, it becomes harder to worry about the guys feeling picked on because I was so rude as to suggest maybe this is our problem too.


Two closing thoughts that didn't really fit into my post, but are important to mention anyway.

1. Ever notice how often we talk about how someone was raped? When was the last time you heard it phrased, "Someone raped her." Because of course, the latter construction puts the responsibility on the rapist. It isn't something that just happens. It's something a person chose to do.

2. Rapists choose to rape. Nothing you do -- nothing you wear, nothing you drink, nothing you say -- nothing makes that choice for them. If someone raped you, it wasn't your fault. End of story.



Apr. 21st, 2008 06:00 pm (UTC)
Yup. When I talked to men, I found myself trying very hard to avoid any of the stats on how few rapes are prosecuted, and how few of those result in convictions. It's depressing and infuriating and completely screwed up. Given the way our system works right now, I can understand and respect why someone might choose not to file charges.
Apr. 23rd, 2008 08:35 pm (UTC)
Low risk, high reward crime.
Apr. 29th, 2008 09:47 am (UTC)
Its also the fact that one sexual offender is likely to rape so many people. I cant remember the specific number, but it was a scary one. I was talked out of going to court because I was told that if I went to court, the man who raped me would get up to 8 years in prison, but would rape even more people then if I agreed to the plea bargain in which he would only be in jail for 11 months in total, but be forced to take classes about being a rapist-raping people-etc, and statistically would rape less people. Of course, I didn't want him to rape anyone else, so I went with the plea bargain. I had to choose between locking him up for a few years and feeling responsible for the 50 other people he would rape, or letting him be free on the off chance that he would rape a lot less people. I was 13. It took a year to find him, and another 8 months to prepare for court and decide what to do. I'm not ashamed to admit that part of my reasoning for not going to court was the fact that I was scared almost beyond reason about seeing him again. It was one of the worst times in my life.

Blah, sorry for ranting, didn't mean to.
Apr. 29th, 2008 12:01 pm (UTC)
Do you mind if I ask who told you that he would rape fewer people if you plea bargained? That sounds like an incredibly hard choice for anyone to make, let alone a 13-year-old. And it definitely makes sense that you'd be scared to see him again, not to mention the prospect of reliving everything in court in front of so many people.

Please don't feel that you need to apologize for sharing this. It's a far cry from a rant.
May. 1st, 2008 04:00 am (UTC)
I don't mind at all, but I think I explained wrong; the plea bargain was for less jail time and a bunch of classes, while if I went to court against him, he would likely just go to jail for a few years. The prosecutor and child's rights people that I talked to about my 'options' pulled out a large folder of statistical information about how rapists who do a certain amount of jail time are likely to rape so-and-so many other people. Also, statistically, rapists that are forced to take these 'classes' are most likely to not rape again, or not rape many people. Does that make any sense? It was quite a few years ago, and I can't recall specific names and such.


Jim C. Hines

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