I hate to say it, but the latest Orson Scott Card screed against the evils of gay marriage just bores me. There's nothing new or interesting or original there. Mammals should be straight, women should be at home raising the kids, and men should take care of their women. Just to be clear though, Card is no homophobe. Oh no, his complaints are "the mildest of comments critical of the political agenda of homosexual activists." You know, mild comments like how the legal recognition of gay marriage "marks the end of democracy in America."

I suppose I can kind of understand his fear (I mean, his mild discomfort). The last time I checked the research, heterosexuals were still a clear majority in this country. And yet homosexuality is about to destroy democracy. They've infiltrated the schools, turning them into "propaganda mills" for the homosexual agenda. They've conquered the mental health profession, so that "anyone who deviates from the politically correct line" will soon be "officially classified as 'mentally ill'". They're powerful enough to defy "permanent fact[s] of nature". Card even talks about how "gay marriage has become a requirement."

That's right, straight people. If we don't stop this movement, Richard Simmons and the Rainbow Militia will break down your door and force you into the bonds of gaytrimony.

If this minority has such power, how can the rest of us hope to resist? And Card has convinced me this is probably for the best. After all, the homosexuals are about to overthrow our government ... and they've accomplished this regime change with far fewer casualties than our current government has managed. Imagine how differently Iraq could have gone if Ellen Degeneres and George Takei had been in charge! Worried about the environment? Don't be -- our gay rulers can brush aside permanent facts of nature! Under their rule, we'll simply learn to breathe CO2 and rebuild our power plants to run off of sparkling mineral water.

Well, I for one welcome our new homosexual overlords. I'd also like to remind them that as a trusted author, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in the engine rooms of their big gay boat rides.