With that said, can we please get an actual writer to help with the next one? Maybe a scientist too, while we're at it. I know Star Trek has not been known for its rigorous adherence to scientific fact, and some of the stories get a little silly in terms of plotting. People are already telling me "Just ignore the silliness and enjoy it!" But there's just too much. It got me thinking about what must have gone on during the writing and rewriting process....
Warning: there be spoilers ahead.
I have no idea who was actually helping with the writing and revisions. Therefore all writers shall be referred to as Bob.
#
JJ: I think we need more action in this scene. Bring out the Wheel of Plot Twists!
Bob (sheepish): We still haven't recovered the Wheel of Plot Twists. We're pretty sure Rick Berman swiped it. We've got people searching, but--
JJ: So what do we have?
Bob: I'm afraid we're stuck with the Coin of Plot Twists. Heads, Kirk gets his ass kicked. Tails, someone falls off a random ledge and dangles by his fingertips.
#
JJ: We need a way for people to create random black holes.Bob: I've got a phone call in with several leading astrophysicists, and--
JJ: Forget them! I've got a better idea. What if Spock comes back in time with Happy Fun Ball?
Bob: ...
JJ: It's perfect! Every time someone pokes Happy Fun Ball, it creates a little black hole.
Bob: ...
JJ: Just remember to give it a fancy scientific name so the Saturday Night Live people don't sue us.
#
JJ: So in this scene, Kirk's running away from a random snow monster. Kirk's unarmed, and he can't make it back to his escape pod. Then, just when he's about to be gobbled up, an even bigger and uglier monster bursts from the snow and eats the first one. Kirk gives us his trademark grin, then says "There's always a bigger--"
Bob: Dude, you totally stole that from Star Wars.
JJ: Did not!
Bob: For God's sake man, you're ripping off The Phantom Menace! Can't you at least steal from one of the good Star Wars films?
JJ: How dare you! You're fired! Send in another Bob. Waits while the next Bob enters. All right, now in this scene, Sulu whips out the hilt of a sword and presses a button, and then the blade magically springs to life!
#
Bob: I'm confused. Spock Prime is on this snow planet that isn't Hoth, within walking distance of a Starfleet outpost. He knows Nero is going to destroy Vulcan. Why doesn't he do anything?
JJ: Don't worry, the audience will be too swept up in the action to think about it. If you don't think that's enough, we can always do another hilarious shot where Kirk's hands swell up again.
Bob: I swear to Roddenberry, I'll use the Vulcan death grip on you.
#
Bob: So exactly how long does it take to get from Earth to Vulcan?
JJ: Less than twelve parsecs!
Bob: Right. We'll ... we'll just wing it.
#
Bob: So Scotty's equation for transwarp beaming lets them beam from not-Hoth directly to the Enterprise.
JJ: Exactly! It solves a knotty plot problem while demonstrating Scotty's engineering brilliance at the same time.
Bob: How do they know where the Enterprise actually is?
JJ: Question not the equation. It's space that moves!
Bob: I'm pretty sure the Enterprise is moving too.
JJ: It's Scotty's equation!
Bob: So why don't they just transwarp beam a couple of snow monsters onto Nero's ship?
JJ: Heretic! Thou hast questioned the equation! As punishment, thou shalt be banished to the gladiatorial pits of Triskelion!
#
JJ: So we'll have Kirk hit on Uhura here in the beginning--
Bob: Spock will kill him if he tries anything.
In the end, I liked the movie, but I really wanted to love it. I just wish I didn't have to lobotomize myself to get past all the gaping cracks in the story. It was fun SF action, but it didn't really feel like Star Trek to me. It's not just the different actors, either. World Enough and Time felt like Trek, despite the new cast. This didn't.
But I'll definitely go see the next one.
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Comments
Okay, Jim, now you're just stealing from Galaxy Quest!
I'm not a Trek fan, but I thoroughly enjoyed the movie.
This movie was fun fluff, and I'm the last person who should be protesting fluff. But I wanted it to be Fluff Plus.
Has your husband seen any of the New Voyages? World Enough and Time really was a good story, and if he's looking for that classic Trek feel, I'd suggest checking it out.
happy fun ballred matter!Bob: That's already been done...
JJ (Contemplates): Hmm... how about instead of shooting the beam directly we attach a drill to a giant ship that looks like Sovereign from Mass Effect. That shoots the beam and then BAM! we drop the red matter.
Gravity. It's a bitch. (Except for that one lolcat that can levitate, and that other one that can walk on walls.)
(Why did Spock bring SO MUCH happy fun ball back from the future? Isn't that kind of wasteful? By the way, the biggest logic problem I saw was the idea that somehow turning Romulus's sun into a black hole would made things better. Oy.)
She doesn't usually watch Star Trek, but has told me she may go see this one, because she hears that it appeals to more than just Trek fans.
Like: Nero had a mining ship. Nero wanted to cause lots of heartache and terror before the destruction actually happened. Thus, Nero uses his Space Drill.
And I think he probably beamed Spock Prime down to that planet just before. He wouldn't have had time to get to the Starfleet outpost, just time to watch the planet go squish.
Annnnnnnd...that's as far as I'm going to try to explain my logic leaps, as everyone's mileage may vary, and I worry I'm starting to sound like one of those fanboys who can't stand criticism.
...Personally, I'm sure this is all somehow the Tribbles' fault.
Despite the illogical moments and other flaws, we still thought it was a pretty awesome movie. Yeah, it doesn't take much to make us happy... :>
That WAS a lot of red matter. Given 1 drop can implode a planet, why'd they need a metric assload? Maybe less time manufacturing red matter, and they would have gotten to Romulus before it was destroyed to make room for a hyperspace bypass. :>
And how the hell did a monster like that evolve on a planet like that, anyway? That's one scene that really didn't seem necessary to me.
But anyway, it was nice to get a decent Trek film again. :>
So, being extraordinarily bent on revenge, Nemo waits 25 years for Spock Prime to show up, because, really, getting any kind of revenge without Spock Prime here to see it makes revenge pointless, and he can't destroy the Federation or Vulcan in the interim. Right?
'Cause...yeah.
For me, character love comes first, and then I sit and think about the plot. This one becomes summer taffy when you do.
Still thinking about Spock.
Catherine
I'll probably have more to say about that when we go see "Wolverine" this afternoon.
If you REALLY want to terrorize someone, you should therefore use NO red matter, because that would be like SO dangerous. (grin)
Dr. Phil
(A tiny ball of Red Matter would have just looked silly. Must be Scary, not silly. Good enough reason for me while watching it.)
It sure beat a lot of movies I've seen, despite the holes you could drive a
truck1701-D through!Or just some snipers with some of those 9mm phasers, since apparently you can destroy the interference-creating energy beam with handguns.
Nero: What now?
RS: A Vulcan child with a BB gun appears to have disabled it.
Nero: Inconceivable!
RS: Couldn't we, like, just lean out the airlock and toss the red matter down?
Nero: No! It must impact the planet core in order to create a more symmetrical implosion for Spock, who I abandoned on a nearby planet within convenient walking distance of a Starfleet base!
RS: Yes. About that, sir...
you evil man I've yet to see it. Now I"ll be giggling my way through thinking of this...
I do think it's worth seeing, and I'm looking forward to where they go from here, now that they've established their continuity reset.
But see, I had happily ignored most of the plot holes while enjoying the good one liners and homages (what I'm choosing to call them) to the actual series. I think it was fun and funny and a great set-up for a new series.
But the Spock on the snow world thing did bother me...
Definitely a fun movie, though.
I did also get to the "midnight" show after driving home from college (and didn't actually have a ticket o_o) and sat with one of my longtime friends and we heckled. Because that's what we do:
Pike: "Romulus hasn't been destroyed!"
Me: *whisper* "It must have been Remus."
Also... the way they pronounced Uhura's name a few times? Crack-up.
Thanks for making my Monday a little better. :D
Hoth. Exactly. I missed the Phantom Menace reference, having suffered traumatic amnesia from that whole episode.
and, oh gods, yes please: let us have a scientist next time -- or at least someone whose science is better than my own level of discernment.
my big issues:
1) we do not go through black holes. ever.
2) if Spock had killed the Romulan sun before it went supernova, what would that have helped. "We'll always have Romulus... or at least, some block of ice that used to be Romulus..."
Other holes? Many.
But did anyone see the biggest plot hole of all? If you REALLY cared about your planet and you found yourself in the past, wouldn't you go there and let them know they needed to make plans to evacuate? HMMMM? YOUR PLANET WILL STILL DIE IF YOU DON'T TELL THEM!! And who's going to help them when you ate all the people who might care.
Oh, and I agree wholeheartedly that the new McCoy. He's the best. But the casting was quite good all around, they just need to stop stealing "the good bits" from other movies and talk to a REAL writer for the next one. :)