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Nemesis Wanted. (Must have own black cape.)

  • May. 21st, 2009 at 3:14 PM
Battle Woodstock
So yesterday on Facebook I wrote, "I need a nemesis." Because that's just the sort of thing you write on Facebook, you know? But the enthusiastic responses got me thinking ... a nemesis could be a lot of fun. Anton Strout has Pat Rothfuss. Jeff VanderMeer has Evil Monkey. Why not me?

I am therefore holding auditions for the role of nemesis. Please post your qualifications below, including any superweapons developed or nefarious schemes carried out. Extra points will be given for all goatees. Evil references are helpful, but not required.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with this. Maybe I'll force the top candidates to battle online for the high honor of being my nemesis. I might challenge the winner to a Nerf duel of doom at World Fantasy Con. I might send my minions to toilet paper your cat. Maybe I'll strike a dramatic pose and scream your name after you abandon me on Ceti Alpha V. Or maybe I'll just post the occasional taunt on my blog. Who knows what lengths I'll go to in order to triumph over my arch foe.

Obviously, this is all in fun. Like many things, I'm doing it 'cause it amuses me.

Applications are due by the end of the week. (For those of you who commented over on Facebook, feel free to copy and paste your information here, and to embellish as necessary.)

Mirrored from Jim C. Hines.

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( 89 comments — Leave a comment )
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[info]mtlawson wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:22 pm (UTC)
Where's Snidely Whiplash when you need him?

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[info]suricattus wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:24 pm (UTC)
I decided to save time and be my Own Worst Enemy. Reduces wear and tear on the exposition, and I always have an excuse to mutter to myself...
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[info]jimhines wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:26 pm (UTC)
That seems to be the default for a lot of writers, actually...

Icon is perfect, by the way :-)
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(no subject) - [info]controuble - May. 21st, 2009 08:13 pm (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [info]antonstrout - May. 21st, 2009 07:52 pm (UTC) Expand
[info]mt_yvr wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:26 pm (UTC)
I have my own Twitter account. It speaks for itself. So far today I have attempted to harness the evil of the Hummel Figurines and combine it with the awesome power of zombies... Unfortunately I need to go rebuild my north wall in the workroom and build several new henchmen. Interestingly no one seems to know where the three Hummel experiements went to. Which I find rather fun.

Oh, presently waiting on delivery from Amazon.com of my evil hench-moose, Eric. He should be along shortly. I plan on using him as the starter model for LOLmoose.

There is more, I'm sure I could provide more details as you like. Do let me know.

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[info]jimhines wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:27 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Your application from last night was moved to the top of the pile. LOLmoose, eh? Nefarious indeed!
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(no subject) - [info]suricattus - May. 21st, 2009 07:33 pm (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [info]mt_yvr - May. 21st, 2009 08:03 pm (UTC) Expand
[info]lindajdunn wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:27 pm (UTC)
Qualifications
I am a member of the Analog Mafia; I work for the government (which will, of course, disavow any and all knowledge of my actions); I was a member of the work-related gun club (again, the government will disavow any and all knowledge of my actions); I am an expert fencer; I work out 6 days a week at the local gym and I have spent the last several years in computer support.

Superpowers: I'm a Mom.

Additional benefits: I have a chilling scream that can drown out a 747 and I can knit a sweater overnight.

I don't need a cape. I have fencing whites, a lame, and a lexar mask.
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[info]jimhines wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:29 pm (UTC)
Re: Qualifications
Ooh. We could hold dramatic fencing bouts throughout the next convention! Tempting indeed ... though I suspect you'd whoop my ass in the first three seconds.

How's your evil laugh?
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[info]limabeanbreath wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:29 pm (UTC)
hmm...
do women get bonus bonus points for having a goatee? if not, is there a female goatee-equivalent we can aspire to?
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[info]agilebrit wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:37 pm (UTC)
Re: hmm...
We have the awesome power of Footwear:

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Re: hmm... - [info]limabeanbreath - May. 21st, 2009 10:37 pm (UTC) Expand
Re: hmm... - [info]jimhines - May. 21st, 2009 07:41 pm (UTC) Expand
[info]jer_ wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:31 pm (UTC)
I already *AM* your nemesis, and you just don't know it.

It was I who dressed as a woman in order to win the Princess of Confusion contest so as to get near enough to destroy you (and was foiled by two exceptionally cute children...grrrrrr).

It was I who left only one Coke Zero in the 8th floor suite at Penguicon in the hopes that you and John Scalzi would battle to the death. I'm still unsure how you escaped his piratey clutches.

It was I who rallied the troops and convinced them to vote "Go-Go Girls of the Apocalypse" over Goblin War, in the hopes that you'd become distraught and waste away! (For the record, distraught should look a bit more morose, don't you think? You really aren't convincing me that this has cut you to the core, here.)

Oh, and in addition to a goatee, I have a shaven head...it just SCREAMS evil nemesis!
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[info]mt_yvr wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:33 pm (UTC)
Win. (lol) Full of the win!
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(no subject) - [info]jimhines - May. 21st, 2009 07:43 pm (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [info]rbradakis - May. 21st, 2009 10:37 pm (UTC) Expand
[info]nojay wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:33 pm (UTC)
A one-stop shop for all your nemesis needs:

http://www.villainsource.com/
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[info]jimhines wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:48 pm (UTC)
Ooh! I wanna Planet Kabanger for Christmas!
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[info]steve_buchheit wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:34 pm (UTC)
I've already started down that path with my crack at the last Confusion. And forget those sissy goatees, I have a full beard, damnit. And my highest qualification? I'm just a shadowy reflection of yourself. (bwahaha!)
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[info]jimhines wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:53 pm (UTC)
Hm ... do you own a pocketless leather jacket, thus completing the similar-but-opposed theme?
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(no subject) - [info]steve_buchheit - May. 21st, 2009 08:03 pm (UTC) Expand
[info]beth_bernobich wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:36 pm (UTC)
Hmmmmm. I'm older, meaner (though shorter), and I'm pretty sure I outrank you in karate. If all else fails, I can sic my evil sparkly kittens on you.

Does that qualify me?

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[info]jimhines wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:55 pm (UTC)
Ooh. That could work. We could have cat nemeses too!

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[info]cathshaffer wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:37 pm (UTC)
Pick me! I am already in a homicidal rage because you have jilted me with not one, but TWO other Catherines. Also, I am envious because you have been more successful than I am up until now, even though it was supposed to be ME that was published first. I am a trained molecular biologist and I know how to clone dangerous genes into harmless microorganisms. I secretly believe science fiction is superior to fantasy. And I promise to wear a leather Catwoman outfit at the next Confusion if I can be your Nemesis.
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[info]jimhines wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 08:04 pm (UTC)
A strong application indeed!

"I secretly believe science fiction is superior to fantasy."

I will allow funny dog to speak for me on this matter.
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(no subject) - [info]cathshaffer - May. 21st, 2009 08:11 pm (UTC) Expand
[info]stormsdotter wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:45 pm (UTC)
Well, Jim, you're already sort of my nemesis thanks to the similarities between your Talia and my Caya. (Seriously, I talked to [info]antonstrout about this for a good half-hour at NYCC before Phil Foglio sent a lackey over because he wanted to say hi--I was dressed as his character Zeetha at the time.)

I am not your typical Nemesis material--for starters, I HAVE read the Evil Overlord list. As a Costumer, I am a Master of Disguise, and you never know where I may be lurking. I wear a leather bodice rather than sporting a goatee, but I do believe that's a Requirement for a Female Nemesis. Finally, I'm and Editor, which seems to be the counterpoint to all Writers.
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[info]antonstrout wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:56 pm (UTC)
In some countries, that makes her my enemy!

Jim, since Pat is busy touring the planet in support of his book, please consider me your temp nemesis... your tempesis, if you will.

You myopic, insulin stealing freak!
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(no subject) - [info]anasteuart - May. 21st, 2009 08:16 pm (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [info]jimhines - May. 22nd, 2009 12:19 am (UTC) Expand
[info]chamois_shimi wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:55 pm (UTC)
I would be an excellent nemesis, I come with my own minions -- Gag Reflex Boy and Skull & Crossbones Diaper Girl! I also have 4 semi-psychotic mascots that can vomit hairballs into your shoes upon command after stealing your chicken, drinking out of your water glass, and licking the inside of your not-finished-with-that-yet yogurt cup.
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[info]sartorias wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 07:56 pm (UTC)
The hell with nemeses, I want minions!
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[info]jimhines wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 08:03 pm (UTC)
Let me know if you need me to lend you a few of mine!
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(no subject) - [info]sartorias - May. 21st, 2009 08:06 pm (UTC) Expand
[info]jonathanmoeller wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 08:00 pm (UTC)
evil superpowers
I know Linux.
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[info]jimhines wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 08:14 pm (UTC)
Re: evil superpowers
Ah, yes. Penguin power is not to be trifled with.
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[info]difrancis wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 08:00 pm (UTC)
I'm thinking you should also be having a sidekick contest . . . .
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[info]jimhines wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 08:02 pm (UTC)
One thing at a time :-)
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(no subject) - [info]cathschaffstump - May. 21st, 2009 08:19 pm (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [info]jimhines - May. 21st, 2009 08:25 pm (UTC) Expand
[info]jhetley wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 08:07 pm (UTC)
Well, the army taught me all sorts of nasty things (like, don't drink the coffee . . .) and I have added to the list since. And I don't have to grow a beard -- already in place. And I can create a satellite radio out of obsolete junk, complete with red self-destruct switch.
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[info]jhetley wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 08:09 pm (UTC)
Plus, then we could do Good Jim/Evil Jim routines . . .
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[info]raecarson wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 08:15 pm (UTC)
Goatees are for weenies. Any good nemesis grows a soul patch.
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[info]cathschaffstump wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 08:17 pm (UTC)
1. I have maybe 3 black capes.

2. I would be up for a sword fight at World Fantasy. I am familiar with Nerf edged weapons.

3. I am a mistress of disguise.

4. My husband has had a goatee, and I'm sure I'll get one as I get older.

But who am I kidding? I'm more like the mysterious old woman who meets you at the side of the road while she's gathering firewood and gives you directions to Lancre (lawks!)

In fact, I am already someone's old wizard on live journal, so I do have references, if you need one. When you're putting together the Fellowship and you need someone in the pointy hat role, I'll be back.

Catherine

Edited at 2009-05-21 08:18 pm (UTC)
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[info]jimhines wrote:
May. 22nd, 2009 12:18 am (UTC)
A strong application indeed! We've got a set of the Lego foam swords here. Hm ... it would make Icon a very interesting convention, too ;-)
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(no subject) - [info]cathschaffstump - May. 22nd, 2009 03:05 am (UTC) Expand
[info]georgmi wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 08:21 pm (UTC)
I love how you automatically assume that you would be the good half of the nemesis pair.

Besides, nemeses are not chosen, they are made, and will not announce themselves until they think it is too late for you to foil their plans. So think, is there anyone from your youth whom you wronged horribly, or even trivially? Say by accidentally blowing some chemicals on them and making them...BALD? (cf. Lex Luthor)

(You don't know me, so I will here assure you that tongue is planted firmly in cheek.)
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[info]georgmi wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 08:22 pm (UTC)
I should have said, you probably don't know me, but you can't be sure, now can you?
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(no subject) - [info]jimhines - May. 22nd, 2009 12:11 am (UTC) Expand
[info]txtriffidranch wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 08:51 pm (UTC)
Silly man. One does not choose his nemeses, or advertise them. A proper nemesis chooses you, and then advertises that fact to one and all in a desperate play for attention. That said, I promise you that you still won't see me coming until it's too late.
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[info]allaboutm_e wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 09:03 pm (UTC)
Brilliant!
I look forward to the outcome!
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[info]barbarienne wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 09:17 pm (UTC)
I should be your nemesis because:

I saw this post when you first posted it, and it had no comments. I decided to wait and see who my competition might be, the better to hunt them down and kill them off.

Surely you want a cold, calculating, vaguely paranoid nemesis, right? I would be the perfect contrast to your generally cheery persona.

Also, I already have a cadre of minions.

Edited at 2009-05-21 09:18 pm (UTC)
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[info]andrewkaye wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 09:37 pm (UTC)
Dude, I've been your nemesis for two years now. I've already told all of my friends and incorporated it into my letterhead. Are you telling me I have to lie to my friends? And what am I supposed to do with all of this stationery? It's not like I can return this stuff, and it was expensive! Your severed head is done in holographic foil in the upper right hand corner of EVERY PAGE. They had to contract it out to Korea!

That's it. I'm putting you on the list. Again. See, there's your name, "Jim C. Hines," and I've just put "The Incosiderate Jim C. Hines" on the line above it. And I put stars around it. Take THAT!
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[info]fairmer wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 09:41 pm (UTC)
I feel that you should consider me for the role of nemesis because we frequent many of the same cons, and the opportunities for skulking and stealthing and general nemesizing are boundless.

Plus, I promise to try to strangle you with a cooked spaghettie noodle at least once a year.
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[info]fairmer wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 09:43 pm (UTC)
Plus, my novel came out of a rejected short story from your Cats Curious project, and that's backstory. Rejection. Grudges. Noodle assassins.

Edited at 2009-05-21 09:43 pm (UTC)
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(no subject) - [info]jimhines - May. 22nd, 2009 12:21 am (UTC) Expand
[info]seanan_mcguire wrote:
May. 21st, 2009 10:08 pm (UTC)
I don't want to be your nemesis. But I'm in the market for a superhero team-up.
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[info]jimhines wrote:
May. 22nd, 2009 12:09 am (UTC)
Given how many applicants I've gotten for the Nemesis position, I may need to take you up on that!
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