You have the right to say no.
When I wrote that sentence, it felt absurd. Of course you have the right to say no. We all do. “Just say no!” “No means no!” And yet…
We grow up learning that “No” is rude. It’s more important to avoid hurting other people’s feelings. It’s important to be polite and accommodating. Setting boundaries and prioritizing our own comfort and safety is selfish. We push these lessons even harder on women, expecting them to be caretakers, putting everyone else’s needs above their own.
Screw that.
I think Listening Ear training - where I became a volunteer crisis and sexual assault counselor - was the first time I really started to learn about the importance of boundaries. We talked about it first in the context of sexual harassment and assault.
You have the right to set your own boundaries, to say no and to have that be respected.
It’s something my culture is really bad at. We treat “No” as a challenge, a hurdle to be overcome through pressure, alcohol, emotional manipulation, even physical force.
It’s not just sexual. Over the weekend, I was talking on Facebook about an incident where a friend offered me food. I said no, and she immediately responded with, “Oh, why not? Come on, just take one.”
A few people didn’t understand why this bothered me so much. She wasn’t trying to be mean. Why was I blowing it all out of proportion? (The phrases “drama queen” and “mountain out of a molehill” were used.)
Ironically, this led to me choosing to set another boundary, telling someone he was no longer welcome in the conversation. That boundary was ignored. He wanted to argue his point. He complained I was just upset because he didn’t agree with me. He wanted me to explain.
When someone sets a boundary, your job is to respect that. You might not understand. You might feel hurt. You might be pissed off.
It doesn’t matter.
Your confusion, your hurt feelings, the fact that you don’t like someone telling you no, none of that gives you the right to violate someone else’s boundaries.
Whether it’s someone trying to pressure you into bed or someone who keeps pushing their homemade cheesecake at you, you have the right to say no.
I’ve lost friends because I had the gall to set boundaries in my own space, online or in real life. This happened a while back with an editor I considered a friend, and I still don’t understand why things immediately went to hell when I said I wasn’t in a space to have this conversation. Maybe I wasn’t nice enough about it? Maybe I didn’t adopt the proper tone? I don’t know.
How often do we teach people that they have the right to take care of themselves? Why don’t we teach that it’s okay to set boundaries? And why the hell don’t we teach people to respect them?
You have the right to set boundaries. You have the right to have those boundaries respected.
- Not “You have the right to say no as long as you’re nice enough.”
- Not “You have the right to say no but I’m gonna try to change your mind.”
- Not “You have the right to say no unless I think you’re wrong.”
- Not “You have the right to say no once you can give me a satisfactory explanation as to why you’re saying no.”
When someone says no, the correct response is “Okay.” If you don’t understand, that’s fine. You don’t have to understand. Maybe the other person will be willing to explain. Maybe not. But they don’t owe you an explanation.
You have the right to say no, period. And if someone can’t accept that, then the hell with them. The problem isn’t you.
Mirrored from Jim C. Hines.
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(August 2013)
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Comments
But the thing is, excuses can be overcome. I learned this when
It was also a huge life lesson. Excuses make things into a negotiation. Some things are negotiations. Some things are not. If you really mean that you would love to sing in that church choir except for the following factors, by all means say so. But if what you mean is that you would rather fend off rabid hyenas with a nerf bat, just say no thank you.
Now when I talk to my friends, particularly my women friends, about things they have been asked to do and do not want to do, they will say things like, "I think I'm just going to tell him/her--" And I say, "You do not have to tell him/her anything. You can tell him/her no thank you. 'That's not going to work for me. No thanks.'"
They don't always believe me. But I'm not lying to them. (Of course, I'm not guaranteeing that the other person will not whine, pitch a fit, demand reasons, or generally be unpleasant. But being firm, calm, and polite is still a good way to go. "I won't be doing that. No. I don't care to. No." And if necessary, faintly sarcastic: "My goodness, Perceval! I had no idea the brownies were mandatory!" "Was this choir rehearsal the last wish of the dying empress, Hepzibah, or is there some other reason you can't take a polite no for an answer?")
as the men we worked alongside, and we had fewer rights.
It's hard to set boundaries when the penalties for so doing are so high - they have, in my own experience, ranged from violent punishment to social disapproval to bullying to withdrawal of friendship.
It's complicated.
-We don't teach people (especially women) that it's okay to say no.
-We don't teach people to respect no (especially when spoken by women).
It's messy and incredibly frustrating, but I feel like it *shouldn't* be complicated, if that makes sense?
I really dislike social hugs most of the time. But right now, I really want to reach through cyberspace and hug you for this.
99% of the time they don't know enough about diabetes to make that call, and even if they did, they don't know enough about *me* and my blood sugar control to do it.
I know they mean well, but it frustrates me to no end.
And frankly, it doesn't help that in certain contexts it's considered polite to say No when you don't really mean it. I remember being scolded as a child (not by my parents, but by another child) because when I was offered a drink by an adult in their house, I said Yes Thank You. Apparently I was supposed to know to say No, and only if pressed take the offer as a real one that could be accepted.
It strikes me as very bad precedent to have "Say no a few times, and then give in if they keep asking" part of a behavior pattern accepted as polite.
YES!!!
It came up in the FB discussion too, that for some people, this is what they were raised to do as part of being polite.
I understand that it's hard to overcome how we were raised, but I also think it's messed up, and we need to stop teaching that lesson.
I suspect that part of the problem with no and boundary setting, is that, in fact, they don't become rights until you get older. When my 3-year-old niece says no, chances are good she gets outvoted. She *does* have to eat her veg, she *does* have to go to bed, she *does* have to wear shoes to playgroup.
Culturally I see at least one major improvement in boundary setting: 30 years ago, when I was a teen, I'd get called "tease" for saying no to sexual advances. I haven't heard that in decades, and it's not because I've stopped being selective.
“It’s time to stop playing video games and come to dinner.”
“No, I want to keep playing!”
But I think it’s important to also show them that they do have the right to say no in other areas. Physical boundaries, for example — if my kid doesn’t want a hug or kiss, then I should respect that and teach them that they get to set those rules and make those choices.
They need to learn both that they do have the power to say no, at least in some areas, but they also need to learn how to accept no and respect other people’s boundaries.
It's a hard balance to find. You get called a bitch (or worse) for sticking to your guns, and are taken advantage if you relent (and it's not as though anyone respects you for giving in).
Now, I'm a sharp-tongued bitch and if I want to do something I will, and if I don't want to I'll say no, and if I'm not decided yet I'll say "I'm not sure, let me think about it." Which, yes, is the time for you to make another appeal, but it's still my decision. This should not be so difficult.
[I find that I run into this problem more often traveling in the American South than the North, which supports claims of a culture divide...jury's still out on travel overseas, as there are probably language cues I'm missing ]
That's called passive-aggressive, and it is poisonous.
As well, people I know with poor boundaries also seem to be poor respecters of boundaries, taking denials personally, harboring grudges, fear of conflict, passive aggressive behavior, etc. It can be a whole package of problematic goodies.
I wish that were true for my son - a lot of autistic kids need to understand the why of everything. "Because I'm the mommy," just doesn't cut it with him.
With my son, what I've been trying to do is help him learn to accept the "No" first, and then we talk about it more.
Thank you.
All of my friends are the types who respect boundaries and set their own. I suspect we wouldn't be friends if that wasn't true.
On the other hand, a huge part of my difficulties with my mother and her side of my family (parents separated when I was little), is that I tend to get told I'm being rude or mean whenever I say no. My mother didn't believe me when I told her they don't allow me to say no, but I can't recall a single instance where a simple 'no' didn't elicit a temper tantrum, a scolding, and/or multiple people calling me the b word. And as often as not, my mother tries to get me to do things like hug people I don't want to by telling me to in front of them. It's a really horrible family dynamic in her household. Lack of boundaries explains why a lot of things don't work right.
Thankfully, my father, step-mother, and sister are a whole other story. I'm still a little dumbfounded by the fact that my sister is really good at apologizing when she's done something that she needs to apologize for. That never happens with my siblings on my mother's side. Sis may be 16 and hormonally unbalanced, but she's good at setting and respecting boundaries with the family, for which she has my profound respect.
Heh :-)
My personal preference would be a link or an excerpt with a link back, but if you'd rather share it, I won't say no to that.
That's an honest response, and I'm not just trying to be polite. If I was truly uncomfortable with the sharing in this case, I'd say no.
And thank you for asking!
I go to a lot of cons, and there are a lot of people who don't understand that concept of boundaries... and yeah, being touched and crowded without permission is an intrusion and it makes me uncomfortable, but it's my job to say so or not. If I choose not to communicate my boundaries, it isn't fair to be upset when people fail to respect them. It might seem like they should be obvious and should be followed automatically, and I shouldn't have to say anything, but what's obvious to some people truly isn't obvious to others. My specific ruleset is almost certainly not as default as I feel it should be (honestly, it probably wouldn't be healthy for everyone, anyways). It's our responsibility to make certain that our boundaries are spelled out clearly and honestly if we want them to be followed. We can't assume people will know.
I confess, I run into that same problem from the other side all the time, too, because I am a strong woman. Not strong for a woman, just strong and commanding by nature. I have a personality like a tidal wave, and that means that sometimes, people get swept under. I try very hard to be conscious of this, and to respect people's boundaries, but I can't do that if they don't communicate those boundaries to me. Even though I am aware of the problem and work to compensate for it, the truth is that sometimes I simply won't notice a boundary that's in my way unless you point it out to me, even if I'm actively looking for it. And no, I'm not entitled to an explanation for those boundaries, but I'm a lot better at noticing them if I understand why they're there so I know where to look for them in other not-completely-identical situations. Sometimes asking why isn't challenging someone's choice, it's looking for context to understand it and honor it better.
It's all a matter of balance. We all have to actively try to respect people's boundaries, and we have to start by respecting our own enough to speak up about them. We have to understand that people don't automatically understand us, and decide for ourselves whether or not it's worth it to explain it to them. Sometimes, it might not be, and sometimes it will be absolutely essential. It's up to us to know which, because we're the only ones who can.
So, for instance, I don't mind having to tell people I don't know well that I'm not comfortable with casual hugging because there's so much normal variation about what constitutes appropriate behavior in that regard. If somebody hugs me without asking, I might get uncomfortable, but I probably won't have any trouble telling them that I'd rather not be hugged in the future. I'm not likely to get angry unless they proceed to disregard my preferences after that.
On the other hand, I don't feel like I should have to tell people that I'm not comfortable with casual ass-grabbing. There may be some contexts in which ass-grabbing is normal behavior in my culture, but I usually try to avoid those contexts. So my immediate reaction to somebody grabbing my ass is going to be either shocked disbelief (in which case I may not appear to react at all) or anger. Calmly telling them that they have crossed one of my personal boundaries is probably going to be pretty low down on the list of responses I'm even capable of at that point.
Which is hard on people who come from a different culture or somehow managed to miss learning that particular unspoken rule, but may ultimately be one of the unavoidable aspects of living with other humans.
No one (and I know it happens a lot with women, though I know it isn't exclusive to women) should be afraid to say no. And yet, we're conditioned to be. We're made to feel guilty; like we're mean; like it means we don't care about the person we just said "no" to; or, in a more gendered response, that we're "just being a bitch"...
And I think it's an even bigger problem that it seems rare to find someone who will respect a set boundary without demanding reasons, or without trying to change your mind, or without some other attempt at coercing you to do whatever it is you don't want to do.
Both of these are huge problems, as you've pointed out. That people don't feel comfortable or like they actually have the right to say "no," and that people feel like they have the right to ignore the "no"s that are given.
Only we can take care of ourselves, and we do that by trusting our instincts. Even if it means being rude. Especially if it means being rude.
Says she, who once had occasion to say, very loudly, in the middle of a party, "TAKE YOUR HAND OFF MY BREAST!" And was never approached by that person again.
(The next move would have been to stomp down on his instep, since his had positioned himself conveniently, but it never came to that. Making the assault public sufficed quite nicely.)
Earlier this year, my daughter called me from a friend's house because there was a car with people watching them and she got a funny feeling about it. I did everything I could to reinforce that she had done *exactly* the right thing, because I really, really want her to learn to trust herself.
Also, while I don't generally consider myself a violent person, I wanted to give a +1 to the instep stomp in that situation.
People absolutely underestimate the constant, insidious pressure to be "polite" and "nice" and "sweet" when you're setting a boundary, especially for women ("Don't be a bitch"), especially when the cardboard image of unacceptable sexist behavior our culture so helpfully provides us with is a big, sleazy looking guy who slaps your butt or a be-hoodied rapist in a bush.
My parents are brilliant, brave, feminist people, and they taught me about bodily autonomy. I have cheerfully shut down street harassers and in middle school I punched a boy who Bad Touched me. And yet nine times out of ten, I am TOTALLY INCAPABLE of reinforcing a boundary that's being crossed by someone in a "friendly" or "normal" enough manner.
You can't refuse to dance with that boy at the school sock hop, you'll hurt his feelings. Your boss isn't being that weird, stop overreacting. This guy may have cornered you when you want to get to lunch, but you can't not talk to him. He was nice enough to offer to buy you a drink, what are you going to do, say no?
I'm still working on how to be a decent member of society and make sure my boundaries are respected. Then maybe someday I can teach my hypothetical progeny how to do the same.
THIS. It's the polite, repeated insistence that's the hardest to refuse.
I find that the broken-record approach works best (No, thank you. *pause* Thank you, but no. *pause* No.) ... but I still have to prod myself into it, because some part of my mind is convinced that it's impolite. And of course, it's really not.
I just don't get why that's so fucking hard to understand. And yet, I have never been able to get my siblings to understand it, and I every time I think I've gotten my spouse to understand it, there's another incident where he's giving me shit, I finally get to the point of telling him I want him to stop, and he pushes, and then gets upset at me for getting pissed. I just...What is so damn hard about this?
IMO, a lot of the time it's "so hard to understand" because you're not a real person to the people who are doing it, you're an Assigned Role. And Assigned Roles don't get to change their assignments on demand.
I do come from a culture where it's considered polite (and politic) to fake-refuse the first couple of times, and it's really annoying to have to convince people I mean what I say. I find that usually, if I do not give reasons or explanations or excuses, it eventually sinks in. It really sinks in if I get all frustrated and go, "Look, I said no and no means no. Why do I have to repeat myself so many times? Did I give you the impression that if I say "no" many times, the law of statistics will cause me to say "yes"?", etc. And then they get offended about why I'm such a hardass. Gah. You can't win.
But I'm pretty comfortable making those statements about my own cultural context, if that makes sense?
BTW I study Japanese tea ceremony, but I'm anglo-Canadian, so the ritual dance of 'No-may-actually-mean-Please-persuade-me'
I think our sensei is becoming accustomed to her Canadian students' blunt manners, though, because I've noticed that now, when we say No to an offered treat, she accepts it and doesn't press any further ;-)
ETA: I'm giving this just to provide an example of a cultural tradition that has a whole ritual around refusal-then-capitulation; this is NOT meant as a criticism of that culture. I have enormous sympathy for my teacher, who has to translate continuously between the two, so to speak.
Edited at 2012-06-11 04:15 pm (UTC)
There are definitely cultural aspects that I didn't get into, in part because I wasn't feeling smart enough to discuss them well. I don't feel like I'm in a position to say whether that kind of politeness and "false no" is harmful in Japan, because I don't know the broader cultural context well enough.
But I'm pretty comfortable making those statements about my own cultural context, if that makes sense?