As many of you saw, Readercon posted a statement about their handling of sexual harassment. The convention committee has voted to overturn the board’s decision and issue a lifetime ban to Mister Walling, in accordance with the convention’s policies. They also offered an unreserved apology for the con’s handling of the situation.
As a part of the larger conversation, I’d like to offer the following pledge. Feedback is welcome, and anyone is invited to co-sign.
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My Policy on Sexual Harassment
My goal in convention/fandom spaces, online, and in general, is to interact with others in such a way that all parties feel safe and respected. Therefore…
- I will be accountable for my actions. If I mess up, I will not make excuses or blame others for my behaviors or the consequences of those behaviors. (Nor will I make or accept excuses about other people’s inappropriate behaviors, even if they’re friends or Big Important People in the community.)1
- I will try not to make assumptions about physical interactions, or statements/behaviors that could be construed as sexual. For example, if I don’t know whether or not you’re comfortable being hugged, I’ll ask you.2
- I will listen to and respect your boundaries. Period.
- If I see a situation where it looks like you are being harassed, I will ask if you’re okay and/or attempt to offer you a way out of the situation. Depending on the situation, I will confront the harasser and/or offer to back you up in confronting/reporting the harasser yourself if you choose to do so.
- If someone I know is harassing others, I will pull them aside and confront them on their behavior.
- If they refuse to change their behavior, I will “ban” them from my life (both in the real-world and in my online spaces).
- I will continue to speak out, and to try to encourage discussion and action to reduce sexual harassment.
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Other Reading:
- My friend group has a case of the creepy dude. How do we clear that up? -Captain Awkward
- Why it’s important to cut that creeper guy from your social group. -The Angry Black Woman
- An Incomplete Guide to Not Creeping -John Scalzi
—
Mirrored from Jim C. Hines.
My Books
(August 2013)
Page Summary
hilleviw : (no subject) [+5] - margaret_y : (no subject) [+1]
- northernwalker : (no subject) [+0]
- tylik : (no subject) [+2]
- midnightblooms : (no subject) [+1]
- darkangel_wings : (no subject) [+7]
- anderyn : (no subject) [+1]
- mtfay : (no subject) [+0]
- pantryslut : (no subject) [+1]
- etcet : Providing backup [+7]
- dionysus1999 : (no subject) [+0]
- la_marquise_de_ : (no subject) [+0]
- kit_the_brave : (no subject) [+2]
- saoba : (no subject) [+1]
- serialbabbler : (no subject) [+0]
- socchan : (no subject) [+7]
- juniperus : (no subject) [+1]
- fibro_witch : It's 2012 why are we still having this conversation [+1]
- sapience : (no subject) [+0]
- badgerbag : (no subject) [+1]
- (Anonymous) : Asking for a hug? Really? [+1]
Comments
Mostly because if it's a friend, I figure I have a decent chance of getting through to them about why their behavior is a problem, and I'm guessing that's mostly likely to work if I 1) interrupt the situation by pulling them aside and 2) in a more private setting, say something like "Dude, you're being a dick and it needs to stop!"
Probably not in those exact words.
There are good reasons for public confrontation too, but that can also lead to a lot more defensiveness, if that makes sense?
And especially for the links, which I had not seen.
I wonder... a sometimes dear friend, while himself extremely respectful in this sort of space* tends to be a major apologist for men doing creepy harassing things. Like when I told him about a creepy incident** that had happened a few minutes before, him feeling compelled to lecture me on what was really going on and how the guy in fact had no creepy intentions, despite his not having been there and not having even heard a fully description on the incident.
This has been pretty typical of him on many things having to do with unpleasant gender dynamics - including lecturing me on matters of fact when he knows that I have more experience on the subject than he does and likely am saying what I'm saying from a basis of hard evidence. It's like some weird spinal reflex on someone who is in many other ways a really outstandingly decent human being.
Do you have any ideas on how to bring this kind of stuff up? I feel like I'm getting better at speaking clearly about these dynamics, so my current plans is just to try really hard not to get all shocked and jaw dropped, and to not only address the matter of fact but also gently point out his behavior. Because this kind of stuff is so not okay with me, and it does leave me feeling that in some basic ways he is neither friend nor ally. Because I am a woman.
* And he's recently gotten really a lot better about not saying dismissive, devaluing and belittling things if someone brings up something he's not comfortable about, like in the sort of way I generally expect people just not to change.
** In this case, a guy who changed his course to follow me for *half a mile* trying to chat me up.
It sounds like he might be coming from a position of never having seen or experienced any harassment, as a guy, and therefore not really recognizing or understanding how much of a problem it really is. Given the choice between acknowledging the problem and minimizing it, the latter lets him hold on to that nice, comfy worldview where everything's just hunky dory.
Obviously I don't know him, so I'm only generalizing from other conversations and interactions here.
One thing you might try would be to just have a very blunt conversation with him.
1. "This kind of harassment is a part of my life, and many women experience it every day."
2. "It happens not only because some men think it's okay to harass us, but because a lot of other people make excuses for it, which perpetuates and encourages the behavior."
3. "I want you to be a friend, but for that to happen, I need you to stop making excuses. Because right now, you're a part of the problem."
That might be too blunt, I don't know. And he might not be willing to listen at all. It might also be worth talking about the areas where you've seen him improve -- balance the positive and negative feedback, if that makes sense?
I have no idea if this helps or not, but I know that for me, one of the most powerful things was finally reading and seeing and hearing about the kinds of abuse so many women have to put up with, things that had been all but invisible to me as a guy. (But of course, we can't *force* anyone to see...)
I saw a wonderful article (I can't remember where or when...Captain Awkward, perhaps?) on the internet about how women are already doing what they can to protect themselves from things like harassment and rape. What needs to happen is for men to stand up and say it isn't ok to treat anyone like that.
Thank you for being a stand-up guy.
And I think yours is a wonderful policy. I definitely cosign.
I wish more places and "scenes" would put anything like this in place; as imperfect as geek spaces are when it comes to harassment, at least it's a topic that gets discussion. I hope it continues to improve, and I hope that someday this type of policy against harassment and harassers becomes standard rather than a rare exception.
BTW, thank you for an excellent signing on Wednesday, and I am really loving both the Jig book and Libriomancer. I've been doing alternate chapters. :-)
So glad you're enjoying the books!
All of which, to me, is bullshit. I wish we were better at teaching people -- especially guys -- to communicate openly, to just ask and to *respect* the answer.
I have a couple dozen of these, which I will be wearing and distributing at Dragon*Con, and I encourage other con attendees to support this idea, both by requesting ribbons and sending them a few bucks to cover the ribbons and postage.
I'll tolerate annoying relatives, but I know I've hurt some people's feelings by backing away from a hug. Hugs aren't a social lubricant for me, they are a genuine sign of affection. And if I think you're creepy it doesn't matter how long I've known you, I don't want you to touch me.
It's kinda a thing in the pagan circles I used to run in, the "aggressive huggers".
And thank you.
Incidentally, being directed here from a friend's LJ also caused me to discover Libriomancer and immediately grab it for my Kindle. The sample chapter had me at the barcode scanner. I had to tell the teens at my library this summer that they couldn't put barcodes on themselves and play laser tag with the scanners, not because it wouldn't have been totally awesome in theory, but because the scanners don't work that well. (Also, I didn't want to have to catalog all of them.) :D
An unexpected hug or arm slung about my shoulders* can mean I have to go take srs meds now and stop having fun. So don't do that.
* I'm a shade over five feet tall, and the arm across the shoulders trick is a favorite trick of the Just-Being-Friendly Brigade. Even when the leads on my TENS unit are visible. I haven't zapped one of them yet but I've thought about it.
"Oh, I'm sorry! I appear to have accidentally zapped you!
You might want to ASK before you drape an arm around a person; the next one might "accidentally" elbow you in the solar plexus, or "accidentally" stab their spike heel into your instep."
(the last two would be my way of reacting to the unwelcome arm-along with a most profuse apology afterward)
**edited to change a colon into the quotation mark it was supposed to be.
Edited at 2012-08-10 09:19 pm (UTC)
((No, none of them has ever stalked or harassed anyone as far as I know. This is because they are actually nice people despite their difficulties.))
For example, if I don’t know whether or not you’re comfortable being hugged, I’ll ask you.
With the prevalence of "Free Hugs!" signs at various conventions, and the fact that any number of said huggers are already counting their hugs, I've been sorely tempted to start a "Hugs For Charity" thing. You know, ask people to pledge a certain amount of money for every hug you get at the convention, that sort of thing. The thing that stops me is that not everyone is comfortable being hugged, and I can easily foresee huggers attempting to pressure attendees into getting hugged because it's "for a good cause". And I can also imagine attendees attempting to pressure huggers into hugging someone they don't want to as well. I like the idea, but I'm pretty sure there's too much room for abuse for it to become viable in our current culture.
ETA: The script could go something like this: "In order to raise awareness about the importance of consent, we're asking people whether or not they would like a hug. Money will be donated to $ORGANIZATION based on the number of people whose answers we listen to and respect. Would you like a hug?"
Edited at 2012-08-11 01:12 am (UTC)
And yes--the Aspergers excuse-crutch angers me like whoah (I've ranted about it on my LJ recently, actually). I'll see you in a couple of hours--my aspie son and I are looking forward to it! :) Booooks!
I also wonder if the victim at Readercon had been a 20 something nobody we would not be having this conversation. Was René Walling's biggest mistake harassing someone with a name and a following? Will he be more careful next time to harass a nobody, as he and many other like him have in the past?
Why are we still having this conversation in 2012? Is the only protection against harassment going to be a programing badge?
I also wonder if the victim at Readercon had been a 20 something nobody we would not be having this conversation. Was René Walling's biggest mistake harassing someone with a name and a following? Will he be more careful next time to harass a nobody, as he and many other like him have in the past?
Why are we still having this conversation in 2012? Is the only protection against harassment going to be a programing badge?
Edited at 2012-08-21 05:39 am (UTC)
You know, crossing physical boundaries (like hugging) is an effective way to make your relationship to another human being deeper.
Even if they are at first surprised.
I'd go so far to say that it could even overcome barriers, barriers that would lead them to answer "no" to you questioning them.
But then it comes to anything physical, and the assumption is that we'll just know. Asking isn't necessary. You'll just magically be able to read the mind of this other person.
Shorter version: Crossing physical boundaries when you don't know whether or not the other person wants you do to so is a good way to get your ass kicked out of the convention for harassment.