Previous Entry | Next Entry

Poses: Round Two

Snoopy Pumpkin

We’re halfway through the month, and the Aicardi Syndrome Foundation fundraiser has brought in more than $7000 in donations. Not to mention sparking more good conversation about sexism in the way women are portrayed and objectified. Thank you all so much.

As before, if any of the pics below bleed off the screen, clicking it should open a new, easier-to-see copy.

This trio of covers included two comic books, because apparently my readers are cruel and sadistic people. As bad as the poses on some covers can be, comics tend to take it even further.

I started with Catwoman Vol. 1: The Game (The New 52).

This was more challenging than I expected, mostly I couldn’t hold the pose for very long without all the blood rushing to my head. Also, the dice kept rolling off of me. (When I was changing outfits afterward, a six-sider fell out of my shirt.) And there’s no way I was going to match the angle of her neck and head without breaking a few things.

On the other hand, I kind of like that outfit on me. There’s kind of a Dread Pirate Roberts vibe there. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part.

Next up was Fear Itself: The Fearless, Volume 1 #12. Armor like this is absurd in so many ways, and if you don’t understand why, you must immediately go to Women Fighters in Reasonable Armor.

The closest thing I could find to a skintight outfit was my old Star Trek uniform that I happened to have lying around. I was thinking it would–

Yes, I own a Star Trek uniform. I’m a geek. Did anyone not already know this?

Anyway, we tried a few pictures, and my wife said it just wasn’t working without breasts. So she grabbed something from her own wardrobe, I stuffed two play balls down there, and we tried again. The result was … odd. But probably the closest I was going to get to this pose without massive Photoshop abuse.

I saved the worst for last. You see, I was foolish enough to let Sarah from Smart Bitches, Trashy Books choose a pose. NEVER AGAIN, SARAH! She emailed back to suggest Johanna Lindsey’s Man of my Dreams. Not the cover itself, which is rather tame. Oh, no. She wanted me to do the inner artwork.

She wanted me to do this:

So. Many. Inappropriate. Comments.

After several minutes of tearful, deranged giggling, I pulled myself together and gave it my best shot. Some of you will be happy to know that this one features the return of the giant stuffed bear. Because the bear isn’t actually mine, I thought it best to wear shorts for this one. Just because, you know, I’ve traumatized my kids enough, and I didn’t want them thinking of … that … every time they saw the bear.

I’m not even going to include this one in the blog. If you want to see me and the bear, each of us attempting both parts of this image, click here.

Much as I talked about in a previous blog post, while the man here is certainly sexualized, he’s also in the dominant, powerful, and significantly less painful position.

There are more poses to come, including my rematch with John Scalzi and the epic group pose at ConFusion, with Pat Rothfuss, Charlie Stross, John Scalzi, Mary Robinette Kowal, and I.

Hm. Tell you what - when the fundraiser hits $7500, I’ll tell you what cover we’re going to do :-)

Click. Donate. Make the world better. Guarantee my chiropractor’s job security. And my thanks again to everyone who’s donated and spread the word.

Mirrored from Jim C. Hines.

Comments

( 44 comments — Leave a comment )
tattooofhername
Dec. 17th, 2012 02:37 pm (UTC)
That second one... between the picture and your commentary I laughed until I cried.
jimhines
Dec. 17th, 2012 02:39 pm (UTC)
Good! Then my work for this Monday morning is done :-)
tattooofhername
Dec. 17th, 2012 03:39 pm (UTC)
The 'desperately looking for something to grab hold of before I fall' toe-claw in the first one got me going, and it just went from there :D
heavenscalyx
Dec. 17th, 2012 03:54 pm (UTC)
Ditto. Also, had to hit the asthma inhaler.
reedrover
Dec. 17th, 2012 02:48 pm (UTC)
I definitely like the Dread Pirate Roberts costume. That makes it all the more... genre-bending rather than gender-bending. Besides, I could totally see Cary Elwes doing this pose. Doing it off of the side of a building is a little more challenging...

But what really gets me? Your toes.
rowyn
Dec. 19th, 2012 05:20 pm (UTC)
The Dread Pirate Robert outfit/pose is attractive, I thought. Maybe moreso if all the blood wasn't rushing to his head, admittedly. :)

I think the reason comic book cover poses are so much worse than book covers is that most comic book covers are cheaper than most book covers, so the artist doesn't use/can't afford a model. Even the ridiculous book cover poses are often physically possible for a woman (albeit silly and difficult). Whereas poses like the "Fear Itself" one are anatomically impossible. (Her right shoulder is higher than her left, while her left breast is lower. That Does Not Work. Really.)
scarlettina
Dec. 17th, 2012 02:50 pm (UTC)
You are a freakin' genius, Jim. These are perfect! :-)

Edited at 2012-12-17 02:51 pm (UTC)
cat_collector
Dec. 17th, 2012 03:09 pm (UTC)
Oh dearie, dearie me. I laughed so much at that third set of poses that I scared the cat off my lap! You have gone far, far beyond the call of duty in showing up ridiculous cover poses. Thank you for this bit of lightness after a terrible weekend.
temporus
Dec. 17th, 2012 03:10 pm (UTC)
That poor bear. It will be scandalized for the rest of it's fluffy days.

Also, I think maybe folks should ease off the comic book poses. Comics are orders of magnitude worse than book covers for the utter unrealistic poses. Dear god I hope no one tries to get you to do a McFarlane or Liefield pose. Those are anatomically impossible for Mr. Fantastic.

joncwriter
Dec. 17th, 2012 03:30 pm (UTC)
You're a brave, brave man, Mr. Hines... O_o
lietya
Dec. 17th, 2012 03:32 pm (UTC)
I think the remarkable part - from a sociological standpoint - is how much "naked-er" you seem in the woman's pose with the bear, even though (when I glanced back to check) considerably more skin is on display in pose 1. It's the vulnerability and over-sexualized female pose striking again...

Also, you actually *needed* play balls to achieve the improbably, aggressively round effect of that silly armor!

That said, I'll reiterate : fantastic idea, amazingly good sport, hilarious results, etc. :)
nyxalinth
Dec. 17th, 2012 03:45 pm (UTC)
lol oh gods too funny!

I think there's a Rebecca Brandywine romance that has a cover even racier than that one...
sylviamcivers
Dec. 17th, 2012 04:15 pm (UTC)
second pose
You need to arch your back and stick your butt out more.

Also, your supporting foot should -not- be on the floor, it should be on a non-stable rock on a downward slope. It's teh best way to fight, for reals.
wolfsilveroak
Dec. 17th, 2012 04:22 pm (UTC)
Can. Not. Stop. Giggling.

These just get better and better.}:P You're so going to need to see a chiro when you're done- several times, methinks.

Although- those bear ones scared me.}:P
green_knight
Dec. 17th, 2012 04:54 pm (UTC)
So... is there a Hugo for 'best recreated cover pose' yet? And if not, why not?
deborahblakehps
Dec. 17th, 2012 07:29 pm (UTC)
I'd vote for this! They need to invent a new category, just for you :-)
marsdejahthoris
Dec. 17th, 2012 05:04 pm (UTC)
And you notice that your "breasts" are pointing in a completely different direction from hers? This is because you have a SPINE which is not hinged at the waist.
snapes_angel
Dec. 17th, 2012 06:10 pm (UTC)
Vlad Plasmius. XD

Come to think of it, some cartoon characters, of both genders, get into pretty preposterous posturing.
marsdejahthoris
Dec. 18th, 2012 01:47 am (UTC)
I'm fond of Vlad, in that way you tend to be of villains. :) Martin Mull voicing him doesn't hurt, either.
snapes_angel
Dec. 18th, 2012 02:21 am (UTC)
The wa the character evolved was funny, too.
fadethecat
Dec. 17th, 2012 05:14 pm (UTC)
It took me a moment to realize that you were pouring out a dice bag instead of a bag of diamonds. And then I could not stop laughing, forever. That is awesome.
jimhines
Dec. 17th, 2012 05:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I'm rather proud of that detail :-)
fadethecat
Dec. 17th, 2012 05:20 pm (UTC)
It also kinda highlights how silly it is for her to be pouring diamonds over herself while posed somewhere high that she won't be able to retrieve 'em from if they fall off.

Oh, and I think that all-black Dread Pirate Roberts outfit is pretty awesome on you.
6_penny
Dec. 17th, 2012 05:22 pm (UTC)
The calender could be called 'Hines 67 varieties of poses'.
You Sir are a Superhero!
apricot_tree
Dec. 17th, 2012 05:27 pm (UTC)
Those are awesome! You are the most confident man I know. However I'm not sure you got the girl's facial expression quite right on Bear Of My Dreams. I don't think that's quite as happy a scene there. You look kind of scared. ;)
pameladean
Dec. 17th, 2012 05:58 pm (UTC)
You have surpassed yourself.

The bear poses completely did me in for some minutes. I did just want to remark that I think the main way you are avoiding traumatizing your kids is that your expression in the first pose is not half-blind with lust (or possibly allergic reaction, it's hard to be sure) like the model's, but rather, it seems, desperately attempting to suppress giggling.

The last pose is extremely instructive. I did laugh because of the bear, but the pose you were in was one of those that really points up the gender disparity in what one gets accustomed to even if one doesn't want to be so accustomed.

P.
snapes_angel
Dec. 17th, 2012 06:05 pm (UTC)
Playballs. X

I liked the second bear one. That was sillier. the one where the bear sort of stood behind you, and...yea.

For the Poserman outfit, you could probably double it as a pirate thing, just get an eyepatch. They're tricky to wear over a glasses lens, but... XD


Since I can't really stand on my head, I used to do a similar thing, because sometimes, you just need the blood rushing to your head. No one knows why, but.....
branna
Dec. 17th, 2012 06:26 pm (UTC)
Oh God. The bear...the bear...the Fifty Shades of Winnie the Pooh. I think I may have forgotten how to breathe.
jennifer_brozek
Dec. 17th, 2012 06:55 pm (UTC)
So. Many. Inappropriate. Comments.

So damn brave in the name of charity.

Amazing. Really amazing.
deborahblakehps
Dec. 17th, 2012 07:32 pm (UTC)
Jim, you are my hero. (Also, clearly certifiably insane, but that's not my problem, thank goodness.)

These just keep getting better. I do think you captured (ha!) the Dread Pirate Roberts vibe...although I'm a sucker for a man in a Star Trek uniform. (What, I'm a geek too. You didn't know that yet?)

The bear pose...

I have no words.

Thanks for a much-needed laugh. did I mention you're my hero? Well, you and that poor bear.
rachelmanija
Dec. 17th, 2012 08:05 pm (UTC)
Between the upside-down on a couch delicately spilling dice on your stomach pose and Fifty Shades of Winnie the Pooh, I may never stop laughing.
l_o_lostshadows
Dec. 17th, 2012 08:14 pm (UTC)
Your expression in the last picture with the bear makes me wonder what the bear was doing to you.
umbra_mentis
Dec. 17th, 2012 10:40 pm (UTC)
Oh Jim, you bring so much eye-scalding joy to us all! Particularly love the Poser Man pic - that sexy sprinkling of dice just makes me all wibbly :)
mtlawson
Dec. 17th, 2012 11:23 pm (UTC)
Nice (soccer) balls there, Jim.

Catwoman's pose makes me wonder if cats get beet red under their fur if they lean back like that.....
peachtales
Dec. 18th, 2012 01:52 am (UTC)
Oh my WORD those are good. Can I just say that the only real quibble I have is in the pic where the bear is grabbing at you, you look very, very worried. Of course, that might be appropriate. Either way, excellent collection!
liz_dejesus
Dec. 18th, 2012 02:05 am (UTC)
Happy to report that I made a donation. Mostly because I loved the pose you did for the cover of Fear Itself. You just have to admire a man that will put on fake boobs for a good cause. :) Well done sir. Well done. :D
rachelmanija
Dec. 18th, 2012 03:51 am (UTC)
PS. Jim, how do you get the photos to appear side by side in an LJ entry?
tool_of_satan
Dec. 18th, 2012 03:49 pm (UTC)
By trickery - the photo pairs are each a single JPG file.
rachelmanija
Dec. 18th, 2012 04:17 pm (UTC)
How do you do that? (Only explain if it's incredibly simple. Otherwise, I'll do them vertically.)
jimhines
Dec. 18th, 2012 04:19 pm (UTC)
In Photoshop, I create one big, wide blank image, paste both pics into it, then adjust and crop as necessary.
rachelmanija
Dec. 18th, 2012 04:20 pm (UTC)
Thanks!

...I'll do them vertically. (I don't have Photoshop.)
chomiji
Dec. 19th, 2012 08:01 pm (UTC)

You can sign up with Phixr, which is online and free, or you can download GIMP (my daughter's suggestion), a free, Open Source Photoshop-type product.

mizkit
Dec. 18th, 2012 01:50 pm (UTC)
I actually said, "Oh my Lord," at the bear pictures. Oh my lord. O.O
cissa
Dec. 22nd, 2012 01:20 am (UTC)
This brought joy to my life. If joy = giggles.

Well done!
( 44 comments — Leave a comment )

Profile

Snoopy Pumpkin
jimhines
Jim C. Hines
Website

My Books

Tags

Latest Month

October 2014
S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031 
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow