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Significant Others (Rape Awareness Month)

Like my previous rape awareness posts, this one has the potential to be triggering.

The rape counseling program at Listening Ear didn't just offer counseling and services to survivors of rape. We offered those same services to significant others, by which we meant anyone close enough to the survivor to be affected and need our support: boyfriends/girlfriends, spouses, family members, close friends, etc.

I've been the significant other far too often. For myself, there's a lot of anger and pain, as well as an overwhelming sense of helplessness. Nothing I do can change or fix what happened, or make the pain go away for the other person.

One thing I saw a lot when talking to significant others was a need to make the survivor take steps to "fix" things. "I want to make her report it to the police, but she won't listen to me," or "I want to kick the guy's ass, but she won't tell me who it was," or even "She just needs to stop thinking about it and try to move on."

The trouble is, these things are about making me (the significant other) feel better. I feel powerless and angry, so I try to regain my sense of power by telling the survivor what to do ... which means now I'm the one trying to control her. Rape strips control and power from the victim. How does it help that person regain a sense of control if I'm saying, "This is what you must do. You have to report this to the police, and if you don't, you're letting the rapist get away with it and it's your fault if he rapes someone else and you have to get him off the street!"

It can be damned hard to accept that choice. I've had to sit at the same table with guys who raped people I loved, guys who got away with it. I also know that with the way our justice system works, there's no way they would have been convicted. I know the process would have put my friends through hell all over again. (See The Rape of Mr. Smith for one fairly mild example of how the legal system tends to treat rape survivors.)

Telling someone "It wasn't your fault" or even just "I believe you" never feels like enough. And it's not ... but it can help. Listening helps. Letting the person be in whatever space they need to be in right now helps. You might be the first one the survivor has talked to. You might be the first one who didn't immediately ask, "Why were you drinking?" or "Why did you dance with him if you didn't want to lead him on?" or any one of a hundred other things that tell the person, "It's your fault he did this to you." It always amazed and saddened me how many people would say "You're the first person to tell me this wasn't my fault."

It's a lot to listen to, and it hurts to hear. And it's okay to share that, to say you're hurting too, or you feel helpless or angry or whatever. Not trying to take the other person's feelings away or make it all about you, but just sharing that they're not alone in feeling hurt and scared and overwhelmed.

Likewise, it's okay if you need to talk to someone too, so long as you're not betraying the survivor's trust. That's one reason I liked our counseling center. The hotline was completely anonymous, which meant you could talk and get some support without breaking that confidentiality. For myself, I always feel tremendous pressure to try to take care of the other person and provide what support I can. It was eye-opening to learn I was allowed to take care of myself as well.

There were other things I had to learn. I tend to be a pretty huggy guy, but sometimes offering a hug of comfort is the last thing the other person wants. I'm just trying to be supportive, but it's also true that I'm another guy trying to put my arms around the other person. And once again, that hug was as much for my comfort as for hers.

What I learned, both through training and in my personal life, was to listen. To let the person know I believed them, and that it wasn't their fault. (Though it's normal for rape survivors to feel guilty and responsible, and it's not helpful to get into an argument about that. It's one thing to know it's not your fault, but that doesn't change the feelings.) To offer options, but not to try to force them. If the other person wanted to go to the police, I was willing to go with them, but it's not my job to force it. To try to be patient, to understand that there's no timeline or schedule to recovery. And that this hurts me too, and it's okay to take care of myself sometimes.

These are just my experiences. As always, other thoughts and feedback are very much welcome.


Apr. 22nd, 2009 03:18 pm (UTC)
I tend to be a pretty huggy guy, but sometimes offering a hug of comfort is the last thing the other person wants.

That. Yes. My personal space is mine. I've had people call me cold or unfriendly because I'm not into the fannish epidemic of personal contact with casual friends, or backrubs for everyone! No. This is my space. it is not yours. When I invite you in, you will know. Until then, do not give me a bear hug or put your hand on my shoulder without warning or try to rub my back even if I look tense. Especially if I look tense. My reflexes are better than you think, and I almost broke someone's nose that way.

Once you are invited 'in,' you can even tickle me without warning, and I'll just shriek and laugh. But wait.

[this, by the way, is a Damn Good Rule with anyone. IMGDO]

Edited at 2009-04-22 03:18 pm (UTC)
Apr. 22nd, 2009 03:40 pm (UTC)
I completely agree with this comment.
Apr. 22nd, 2009 03:46 pm (UTC)
"this, by the way, is a Damn Good Rule with anyone."


I wish we could get more of a cultural shift with the SF/F con scene, where there seems to be more of an assumption that everyone wants hugs and backrubs and whatever. I love that the cons are so friendly, but boundaries are still a good thing.
Apr. 22nd, 2009 06:52 pm (UTC)
I just wish it was more acceptable to say "please don't." I have people two and three times my size descend on me, and I usually wind up standing there quietly freaking out instead of saying anything, because I don't want to deal with the hurt looks and the lectures on how "___ was just being FRIENDLY!"
Apr. 22nd, 2009 04:59 pm (UTC)
My personal space has constricted over the years. It used to be that if you came within 5 feet of me - no really - I'd start twitching like a cat. I hated having people behind me and still am not fond of it. I was extremely sensitive to it and could eel out of personal contact with any other human beings for months on end.

In the gay community I live in there is an assumption that if you get along you will automatically hug. Kiss. What have you. Because, you know, that's what we do.

Uh. No. I've had to learn a kind of brief limpid handshake version of a hug that serves the purpose but still bugs me.

VERY few people get into that space with me easily. And this part of why. (shrug)


Jim C. Hines


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